i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
