Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
