Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Randomize
