Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
