Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
