Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
