dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
