I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
