That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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