glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
This show inspires me to have sex in space
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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