So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
