Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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