a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Randomize
