And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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