you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
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