You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Randomize
