my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
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