After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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