im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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