she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
i've created a new STD.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
