The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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