Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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