oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Randomize
