Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
