so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
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Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
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Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
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