Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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