allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
