I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
