Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
