Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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