She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Sober January is a disaster.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Randomize
