I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
