i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
