i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
