He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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