i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
