i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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