Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
