im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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