i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Randomize
