i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
