So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
