As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
