So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
