I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
