I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
So gin and wine won't be happening again
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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