i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i barfeds in our rink
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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