you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
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