I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
