I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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