I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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