I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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