I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
