her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
