just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
My hand turned me down
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
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