wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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