I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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