I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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