Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
