I wish I could teleport
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Dicks are not precious.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
