he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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