I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
