How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
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think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
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saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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